Walk Like A Zombie

I was watching a movie on AMC last night.  AMC has a series called “The Walking Dead” and they showed an advertisement for it during the movie.  I have always liked horror and mystery movies, but have never been a fan of the blood and gore type or zombies.  Watching that ad, I still have no desire to watch a zombie show.

Per Wikipedia, “a zombie is an animated corpse resurrected back to life by mystical means, such as witchcraft.^[1] The term is often figuratively applied to describe a hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli. Since the late 19th century, zombies have acquired notable popularity, especially in North American and European folklore.”

Again, per Wikipedia, “Based on the comic book series of the same name, The Walking Dead tells the story of a small group of survivors living in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse.^[11] Most of the story takes place in the Atlanta metropolitan area and then the surrounding countryside of northern Georgia, as the survivors search for a safe haven away from the shuffling hordes of predatory "walkers" (as the zombies are referred to in the show), who devour any living thing they catch, and whose bite is infectious to humans. The plot is focused primarily on the dilemmas the group faces as they struggle to balance their humanity with their survival against the zombie horde, and later, how they cope with members' being killed and deal with other human survivors they encounter, many of whom are dangerous and predatory themselves.

The group is led by Rick Grimes, who was a sheriff's deputy^[1] before the zombie outbreak. At every turn they are faced with the horror of the walking zombies, the changing dynamic of their group, and hostility from the scattered remains of a struggling human populace who are focused on their own survival now that the structures of society have collapsed.”  As I said, it really is not the type of thing that appeals to me.

What did catch my attention was the way they were walking (??).  So many MS people describe themselves as looking like they are drunk.  After watching that ad, walking like a zombie is a pretty close description also.  Although I am not exactly endeared to being associated with zombies, I really do feel that I resemble one walking. 

Movie extras make pretty good money when they have steady work.  Since zombie movies are popular right now, I bet we could rake in a fortune!

 

Frustration, Inc

I finally have an appointment with a new neurologist. It is in January of next year and I am so excited about it. A lady in my local MS chapter recommended him and I am hoping that he will be the doctor I have been looking for.

 

When I talked with his office while making the appointment, the office manager asked me to mail all the copies of medical reports and procedures that I have had. I told her I would get them together and mail them to her as soon as possible. Therein lies my latest problem.

 

For over a dozen years, I kept up with files and proceedings for 327 Family Court clients at the law firm where I was working as their domestic paralegal. If you have ever had any type of court dealings, you know that there is endless paperwork to keep up with. I never lost any files and always had my pleadings prepared on time. I was organized and knew where everything I needed was located.

 

Having filed for disability, I have copies of medical records of all types covering the last half dozen years. I pulled all of them out of the various places I had put them and just looked at them. I had no idea where to start in getting them organized. My mind was blank and I felt so flustered and inadequate for the job. It is a feeling I have had a lot lately. Not only are my papers disorganized but my life in general has become so. Even the notes I take to try and keep up with everyday matters are scattered and not organized. This is so totally unlike me.

 

It is hard to stay organized when one's brain is so disorganized. There are days that go smoothly and days where nothing does. Some days I can get my thoughts in order and other days I have a problem remembering my own name. Some may not believe that, but I have had a few instances when I had to really think how to spell my own name. I have had times I could not remember my telephone number or address. This, to say the least, is very frustrating and scary.

 

It took me a couple of hours to decide that I needed to put everything relating to each doctor together, all medical procedures together, my psychiatrist's notes together and my physical therapist's notes together. This may sound like a DUH moment, but it was hard to get to that conclusion. The more I looked at all those papers the more nervous and lost I felt. So far, I have quite a few piles of sorted material. I felt really proud to get that far in the process. I realize that it is only a baby step in the process but I am happy with it.

 

I am always amazed at how many people do not understand how much MS affects our mental cognition. Sometimes I feel like I am becoming mentally impaired or in the early stages of dementia. Every little thing seems to overwhelm me.  I know that part of this is the fact I am getting older.  With MS, it just seems to happen all at once.

 

I have decided that it is good that winter is on the way and I will have much more time to get organized.  Not that I was out in the hot days of summer very much, but it is so nice to look out the window at snow (if we get some!) and do simple tasks that otherwise might not get done.  I am going to get my papers together and put them in order.  I am going to rearrange my books into a semblance of order so I can find the one I am looking for.  I am going to get my recipes organized instead of all jumbled together.  I am going to…………take a nap and worry about this tomorrow!

 

Just A Little MS Poem

Sometimes I’m happy

Sometimes I’m sad.

Sometimes I’m gloomy

Sometimes I’m mad.

So many emotions

What can I say

Sometimes they happen

All in one day.

It might seem crazy

The things that I do

But please just remember

I think I’m crazy too.

I often walk sideways

No straight path is found

Other times I am graceful

Not making a sound.

Sometimes my brain’s sharp

As sharp as a tack

Sometimes it is sluggish

And hardly reacts.

Somedays I can see

A tick on a dog

Other days it seems

Like I’m looking through fog.

Sometimes my nerves

Are as quiet as a mouse

Sometimes the buzzing

Could run a whole house.

Sometimes my breathing

Is managed with ease

Other times it resembles

An angry boa’s squeeze.

Sometimes I’m Rip Van Winkle

Sleeping at his best

Other night’s I could not buy

A simple night’s rest.

This MS disease

On me has taken its toll

It may have my body

But will NEVER have my soul!

 

Writing What I Read

My cousin and I like to write stories and poems and we often send them to each other.  We have noticed that I can find her mistakes and she can find mine.  When I am reading what I have written, I read it the way it is supposed to be rather than the way it actually is.  I guess that is true of most people.  Otherwise, there would be no reason to have proofreaders.

I have thought about getting one of those programs like Dragon Speaking.  The problem with that is I often have no clue what I am going to say.  I can take my time when typing but I don’t know if Dragon would be willing to wait on me or not.  I know some people who have lost the use of their hands and use this program and like it.  I have not totally ruled out getting something like that.

One of my blogging buddies (yes, talking about YOU, Muffie!) was walking the other day about changing out her summer for her winter clothes.  We agreed that many of the things we switch from one closet to the next will never be worn by us again.  I know that is true with me. I guess that kind of fits into the same category of seeing what you want things to be. 

One of the problems that I want to fix about myself is trying to see myself as something I am not.  I love being optimistic, but I think there has to be a good dose of reality mixed in with it. I am optimistic that there are good times ahead for me and my husband, but realistic enough to know that each year that we live will be more burdensome for him taking care of me.  He also likes to remind me that he is not getting any younger and it may be a joint effort to try and take care of each other.  Either way, it will probably be an uphill battle each day to get the things done we need to do just to have a halfway normal life.

I often try to look at me how I think others might see me.  I know that most of my family accepts that I have changed dramatically over the past few years.  Whichever person is closest to me always reaches out to help me along.  I am so very thankful for their support.  But these are not the ones I am speaking about. 

I know that each of us have noticed someone looking out of the corner of their eyes at us when we are out in public.  I really wonder what they see.  Do they see someone handicapped, a senior citizen, someone who has had an accident, or what?  I have had the urge to go up to them and say, “Hello.  Since you are wondering, I have MS.  How are you?”I don’t want to be rude, though, and know that most mean no harm.  They are just curious.

When I was in school, it literature class used to drive me crazy.  We would read a really good story or poem and the teacher would “tell us what it meant”.  I never could figure out why it could not just mean what it said.  So, when you read something I write and the words are out of place, please, just read what I meant!!

 

Seeing Red

Emotions are a funny thing. We either have them totally under control or they are way off the deep end. I am plagued with the latter lately. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, they will not be tamed.

 

My PBA is really acting up lately. I am having a real problem not crying at everything. As I have said before, I am not sad but I just cannot seem to keep from crying. This is not the problem I am talking about, though.

 

Like many of us, I have a relative that is very harsh and cruel. Unlike many, my husband and I have this relative in our household and are subject to criticisms and mean comments every day. Most of the time I just ignore them. Today, however, it really got to me. I am still angry from such an incident of several hours ago.

 

I will get over the anger. I always do. I try to remind myself that this person has been this way all my life and is not likely to change at this point in time. What bothers me is the fact that I cannot seem to control my reactions now. Also, when I get upset and stressed out, my buzzing goes berserk and I am extremely uncomfortable. Nothing I take seems to help this and I just have to hope that as I calm down the buzzing will also and give me some relief.

 

I wish there was something I could take to calm me down and stop this, but I feel like I take a medicine cabinet full of things now. I also do not want to be zonked out to get some relief. I know some who like to be "high" and not feeling any pain or discomfort, but that is not my wish. I have tried meditation and such, but it does not seem to help.

 

I have a friend who was talking about how we all have in the back of our minds, whether we realize it or not, the fear that we will end up a type of vegetable or someone who is in constant pain. I suppose that is true. It is hard for it not to cross our minds when we know or read about so many who have ended up that way. No matter how strong one's faith is death is an unknown and there are so many horrible ways to accomplish it.

 

I am writing this hoping it will calm me down. To a degree, it is working. I have not been a perfect person in my lifetime by any stretch of the imagination. But I don't remember ever being deliberately cruel or mean to anyone. If I have been, I certainly apologize.

 

Holding a grudge is not my style either. Like every other human being who has ever lived, I have had people be mean to me and hurt me. But after a while, I always got over it and let it go. I am hoping that this overly emotional period will soon pass and I can get back to as normal as I can, given the circumstances.

 

When I got so angry, one of the first things that came to mind was a bull snorting and seeing red. I remember a lot of cartoons with bulls in the ring and having steam come out its horns. It always had red eyes........seeing red, so to speak. I guess that is OK, but red is not my favorite color..........I tend to favor lavender myself...........

Spoiled-Brat Child

I hate having to be so involved in myself.  Having MS makes me so aware of everything I do.  What I mean by that is: having to be so careful trying to walk, talk, eat or any other everyday activity that most people take for granted.

 

Buffy, my little spoiled brat Pomeranian, is a little sick today.  Her stomach is upset and she is throwing up some. All she wants to do is sit in my lap and feel safe.  She does not understand what is happening to her and just wants to be with me and let me comfort her. I was sitting here loving on her and realized that it was so nice to be thinking of something that didn’t involve MY problems.  Not that I would want her to ever be sick under any conditions.

 

It is funny how much of each day I spend trying to be “normal”.  Nothing comes easy and each thing is a challenge to do.  I feel so selfish sometimes.  Most of my thoughts seem to be about how I can do something without causing more problems for myself and my husband.  Although he never complains, I feel like I take all of his time in worrying about me and trying to see that I have all that I might need.  He is such a fantastic person and never complains.  I am the one who complains about him having to take care of me.

 

I have talked to people and read things people have written about having to be a caregiver for someone.  I know how hard it is because we have my mother here with us and she takes a lot of care.  She is not disabled, but her mind is going and she often is not in the same world as the rest of us.  I worry that, although he loves me much more than I deserve, my husband will tire of having his life so altered by my illness.  I know from reading other’s comments that it is a common worry among those of us who have MS or other illnesses.

 

Many times I look at couples when we are out shopping and such and really envy them.  My husband and I hold hands or link arms but a lot of the reason is that I need the support to walk.  We always held hands, but if one of us wanted to walk over some place and look at something the other didn’t, we could walk away with no problem.  That is not a choice now.  My husband always makes sure I am in a safe environment and never leaves me unattended.  I often think of myself as a small child that cannot be left alone and is always the first priority for someone.

 

I guess I am whining for him because he won’t.  Taking on the responsibility of caring for someone often causes bitterness for that person and becomes a terrible chore.  My great blessing is that he does not feel this.  My constant prayer is that he will never feel that way.

 

As I said, Buffy is a spoiled brat-child, but we love her anyway.  I try not to be “a brat” with my husband and not demand or expect more attention than he has to give me to get through the day.........  well, at least I try not to!!

 

Looking Over My Shoulder

I am trying to pass time while waiting on my football game to start. (By the way, my team won!  Go Packers! :) Thinking about waiting for something to happen makes me think about all the times most of us wait for our pain medicine to kick in, a cure to be found, or thoughts to assemble themselves in our brains.

 

Sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time looking back to things I used to do and dreaming of things I want to do. Most of us have accomplished things in our lives that we are proud of. Maybe we haven't been able to make our dreams come true, but we have times that we remember with pride. I look back and realize that I have accomplished several things that I really wanted to do. I gave birth to three wonderful children. I love my fantastic husband and he loves me. I had a very interesting career as a paralegal. I wrote two books and have them on my bookshelf. I have some friends that I am so thankful to have as part of my life. All in all, I have had a good life.

 

But, all of my accomplishments seem to be in the past. I am not presently working and my brain seems very often to go on vacation.  I have several stories/books I am trying to finish and that does not help me do so. I have so many days when I just don’t have the energy to move.  These seem to be the days that I really want to cook and clean and just can’t. I feel like I am constantly at the past and hoping that it will find its way into the present. It is a fruitless endeavor so I think I will stop doing it.

Although I can't do most of the things I once did, I can still function and make a contribution to our household. My husband is constantly getting me involved in activities that we can do together.  Most of my family is wonderful and understanding of my condition.  I really cannot complain although I seem to want to do so lately!

 

I remember when I used to go on trips when I was young and look out the back window of the car.  (This was in the years before seatbelts were mandatory.) It was always interesting to see the things we were leaving behind and getting excited about going to a different place.  I am going to take that attitude about my life.

 

As the old saying goes, life is what you make it.  I am really beginning to understand that phrase.  It is easy to get bogged down in our problems and miss all the wonderful things around us.  (Stop and smell the roses?) It took a lot of years to get to the age I am and I really should enjoy them.  I am sure there will be far less ahead than there are behind.  I don’t want to miss out on all the fun that I could be having if I would only let myself.  Besides, I have a spoiled brat dog that watches my back for me so I don’t need to!