Living in Wonderland

Lately, I seem to really have a hard time remembering how to do things.  I start doing something and then forget what to do next.

For instance……the other day I was going to make coffee.  I put the filter in the holder, added the coffee grounds, then……I was not sure what to do next.  It took me a few minutes to figure out that I needed to add water to the pot.  It seems so simple, yet the next step was totally a blank to me.  For some reason, it is the simple things that really seem to throw me.  Like getting dressed in the morning….I put my underwear on, pants, top and then can’t remember what comes next…….ah, shoes and socks.

The part of my brain that holds logic is slipping away.  My speech is getting slower and slower and the words don’t flow like they should.  I know that a lot of it is getting older, but a lot of it is MS eating up my thought process.  It is beginning to really bother me and really scare me.

My husband tells me that it is not that noticeable to him, but to me, it seems like it takes days to get a sentence together. There is a short circuit in there someplace. 

I remember when it started.  I was still in the workforce. In the work I was doing, most of it was basically using the same steps to get what I needed to do done.  There were times when those steps just went out of my head.  I had just gotten through doing them and suddenly they would just go out of my head and I would sit there trying to figure out what to do next.  Here at home I can usually take my time to get my thoughts together.  At work, that was not an option.  Fortunately, I had a supervisor at the time that was attentive to my problem and would walk over and help me.  She said she could see that blank look on my face and knew that I was having a problem.  She was a very sweet, special lady and I thank God that she was patient and caring enough to help me.  Otherwise I would have been fired.

I try to play games each day that make me think.  Trivia, puzzles and word games test my thinking and hopefully help kick in the process.  Some days I do pretty well with these.  Other days I struggle.  I most with certain diseases have these same problems so I don’t feel alone with this problem.  I do, however, feel helpless to “fix it” sometimes and wish there was a way to hook-up the connection that is broken.

 Many times I make it worse by panicking.  I try to sit back, relax and realize that getting upset over this is not helping.  It is much easier said than done.  Taking deep breaths, stretching, and trying to think of other things rather than the thing I am trying to remember does help.  I just have to remember that at the time.  I also try to remember that there may be a time when whatever I am trying to remember is gone forever.  All the worrying in the world may not bring it back and if it is gone, it is gone.  Panic, worry and anxiety will not bring it back.

My mother is at the point in life where she remembers everything about life 50 years ago but often can’t remember what she did 5 minutes ago.  It does not seem to bother her.  I guess if you totally can’t remember recent things you don’t worry about it since, in your mind, it didn’t happen.  I have not gotten to that point.  I still know that thought is in there and not being able to grasp it drives me nuts.

When I think about it, not being able to remember the bad things in one’s life and the disappointments may be the way to go.  We could all live in a wonderful, peaceful world and be happy.  Peter Pan is one of my all time favorite movies.  Wonderland may be the place to go after all!