(I have really missed writing this blog. I hope that I will not have a sabbatical again anytime in the near future!)
I had one of those days yesterday. You know the ones…. when nothing has any joy…..when tears are always ready to fall…..when no matter what you do you can’t get out of being in a “blue funk”.
My psychiatrist always says it is my mother, my MS, not having a job at the moment, etc, etc, etc. I am sure all of the above contributes to it, but I can’t seem to go along with any of them causing the sadness I can’t seem to shake. The more I try to pinpoint the cause, the more confused I become. There does not seem to be an answer I am satisfied with as being the main cause.
I have always heard that during the Holidays there are more suicides and bouts of depression than any other time of the year. That is not in any way my problem. I get so excited during this time of the year. It is a feeling like being a child again. I love the times with my children and grandchildren; I love preparing the Holiday meals; I love shopping for presents and wrapping them; I love decorating our home. The Holidays definitely do not depress me.
My mother is a cause of stress and worry for both me and my husband. She does, even after all these years, have a way of knowing what to say or do to hurt me. I don’t think she is a main cause of my blue periods because she has never been any different than she is now and I don’t expect her to change. Even though she is a thorn in our sides, she is predictable.
As with most people with MS, I have good days and bad days and worse days. The original diagnosis probably caused most of us to have a panicky feeling, I think most of us have adjusted to it and accept it. There are times of depression when people around us are doing things that we no longer can do. Fortunately, these periods are usually short-lived and we realize how much we are thankful that our friends and family do not suffer with our disease.
Not having a job at this time in my life is a blessing. I doubt that any employer would keep me with all the days I would miss work because of pain and inability to walk. There is also the problem of not being able to think normally or be able to keep my thoughts together well enough to perform at the rate that most jobs require. Besides, being retired is so much better than working!
As is true with everyone else, there are many aspects of life that I wish were different. The hardest thing most of us do is to wait. As our hope of things changing much for the better fades, depression often sets in. Whether it is our home circumstances, medical condition, drugs or whatever, we can never lose our hope of things really becoming better. As I am climbing out of this hole, I know that I am not alone in this struggle. For all of you who are climbing out too, hang in there………I am almost at the top…….if you need a helping hand to get you out just reach up…….there is always Someone ready to pull you up and out!