Don’t let anyone tell you that starting a new life is easy. It is not. It feels like Howard and I have just begun our lives together and have to begin to set up a routine that fits us. I hardly know where to begin.
Most of the last ten years have been spent taking care of Mother. Although five of those years I was working, the last five have been trying to make sure all her needs were met. The hardest part was adjusting to the fact that I am no longer the person I was ten years ago and have to really struggle to take care of myself, much less trying to care for another. I say this part was the hardest because she has yet to understand how MS works. I know that is a common problem for those of us with MS.
There are so many aspects of my life that have changed in the last few years. One of the scariest ones, to me, is the loss of my comprehension. I really become agitated as I search for the words to say what I am trying to get across to others. It is a fear I share with many of you. Searching for the word for the picture I have in my brain is often like putting that camel through the eye of a needle that Jesus talks about!
Many people have told me not to worry because it is just a part of aging. I appreciate their encouragement, but they have no clue as to what is going on in my brain and body. Yes, we all age every day, but with MS is often is a quick thing rather than a gradual thing. To suddenly go from being able to comprehend anything put in front of you, to struggling with the simplest of things is a change that is not understood by most people. It is frustrating, frightening and no medication known can change it or stop it. It is something we have to learn to adjust to and go on with our lives. It is not easy.
People that are not around a person with MS on a daily basis are often shocked at the change. The MS patient often has lost a lot of mobility, speech, comprehension and the ability to emotionally handle the things that were not a problem in past years. Most of us have lost a lot of “friends” this way. It really hurts when that happens.
I say all this to relay to you how I feel…………….although it is a dream come true for us to have a home to ourselves again after so long, it is really hard for me to adjust to it with all the changes MS has brought to the table after ten years. I have the same hopes and dreams, but more and more of them are beginning to be out of my reach.
No, I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am just trying to be honest and face the fact that some of the things I dreamed of doing when I retired have to be rethought. Some of those things will have to be discarded and replaced with things more in my reach. So far, I am finding that there are many things I can still do (MOST days) and enjoy. I am learning to enjoy new things that I never really thought about before. All in all, I am adjusting to a new life pretty well.
But, as Ringo once sang: