I looked at a blank page this morning. I had not written anything and had nothing in my head that seemed like it would be interesting to anyone. There are a lot of thoughts drifting around in my brain, but none of them seem to stick together and form an idea.
Some days are like that. Random thoughts flying around with no purpose and no hope of giving me any type of direction. It reminds me of games where you see how many words you can make out of a bunch of letters. The words are not in any one category and do not really fit together. They are just words. My brain is like that a lot of times…………countless words floating around with no rhyme or reason to their direction.
I call these moments “times of mush”. It is at these times that I take it easy and try not to have to get into any type of project. If I try to cook, clean or do a craft, I will not get it finished and end up with a mess. My thoughts do not go from point A to point B and end up at point G without making any sense. For instance: I may want to get a meal started. I look in the freezer and see what meats I have. I get one of them out. I look in the pantry and get some things to go with that meat. I set them on the kitchen counter. I just stare at them. The idea I had started with for a meal just drifted away and left me with a puzzle. What are these objects doing on my counter and why did I put them there?
Cleaning may be the same way. I get my cleaning materials out of the closet. I organize them as to what purpose they serve. When I go to start doing something, the little groups of things I have are just that……….little groups of things. The idea of what to do with them has been erased from my brain and the little groups mean nothing. After a while I just put them all back to wait for a time when what they mean will be clear to me.
I love to crochet and sew. My husband just bought me a new sewing machine. It is a little portable one since most of the sewing I do now are only simple things. I took it out of the box the other day and began to get it ready to start sewing. I threaded the machine down to the needle and wound a bobbin of the thread I wanted to use. I got my material and started the machine. It only made a jumbled mess. I rethreaded the machine a half dozen times. I still had a jumbled mess when trying to sew. There is a disc that came with the machine. I put it in the computer and started watching it. I had threaded the machine wrong. When I rethreaded it again, it worked. It was very discouraging. I used to make most of my children’s clothes. I also made some of my own clothes. Now, I am lucky to be able to sew a hem that has come loose.
People will often call and ask what I have been doing lately. I hate to keep saying “nothing”, but for the most part it is the right answer. Some days I do very little……not because I don’t want to do something, but because I can’t think it out to get it done. I have some days that I feel fairly well physically, but my mental state is a disaster. Most people do not understand that so I don’t try to explain it to them.
In some ways our mental state is more important than our physical one. Although being unable physically to do things is a terrible place to be, being unable to do things mentally is worse to me. There are many things I can no longer do because of my deteriorating physical abilities. There are more things I can no longer do because of my deteriorating mental abilities. There are many times I cannot write this blog because I can’t put enough words together to make a logical sentence. I try to push through these times but often it just will not work. On those days, I just forget writing and feel sorry for myself.
I remember all the times I have heard the phrase “A brain is a terrible thing to waste”. Boy if they only knew!!