Thoughts of Summer

I was looking through the advertisements that come with the paper this morning.  I am always hoping that the items on my grocery list are on sale, but that is rarely the case.

Most of the ads seem to be summer items.  The things on sale include suntan lotion, swimwear, beach balls, shovels and pails, coolers, shorts and so forth.  Most of the pictures in the paper are of people splashing in the water and playing at the beach.  Many are of people barbequing and lying in hammocks in their backyards. All are laughing and having a good time.  I really wish I felt that way about summer being so near.

Summer was always on my mind when I was young.  Playing with the other kids in the neighborhood, not having to get up or go to bed so early and not having to go to school were some of the biggest joys of my youth.  Of course, when I was young, there did not seem to be as much violence and we could roam the neighborhood without fear of being harmed.  It was a wonderful time in my life.

As MS started to rear its ugly head, summer became something that I began to dread.  The heat really takes a toll on my body.  I usually stay inside where it is cool.  Even in the shade, where people seem to think it is so much better, it is still hot and works against me.  Most people with MS have the same problem.

I think sometimes that I am really getting to be selfish.  Most of my friends and family are beginning to talk about going to the beach, going camping and having barbeque parties.  I really envy them being able to do that.  Sometimes I think I even resent them doing these things.

I DO NOT like that type of feeling to be a part of me.  It is very selfish to resent people being able to do things you can no longer do.  When I find myself being a little resentful when someone tells me something they have done that I can’t do, I am really ashamed of myself.  It gives me a feeling that I have a hard time explaining.  It makes me depressed and really down on myself.

I like to think that each day I am trying to be closer to God and more like Jesus.  Many days that is definitely not the case.  When I have these awful feelings I know that I am not only NOT doing as God wishes me to, but not doing as I wish me to.  There is a lot to the saying that you cannot please (love) others if you cannot please (love) yourself. 

Most of us have things in our lives that cause us a lot of pain and dread.  Most of the time we handle these things pretty well.  On those days that we don’t, we just have to back up and start over instead of giving in to them.  It is a very hard lesson to learn.

Summer is just around the corner.  I have decided to just let it happen and quit worrying about it so much.  I will look out the window and be happy for those enjoying the hot summer days.  As for me, I'll be inside turning up the A/C!