Monday, October 15, 2012

Kermit the Hermit

I’ve been worrying about my state of mind lately.  There are several things that we had planned to do, but I was either sick or just could not get up the strength to do them.  What really bothers me about this is the fact that, for the most part, I did not care that we did not get to go to these things.

Many years ago one of my cousins married a guy who mistreated her.  He ran around on her and emotionally brow-beat her.  When he finally left her for good, she went into hiding.  Except for going to work, she did not leave the house.  She quit coming to family gatherings, didn’t answer the telephone and even had her groceries delivered to her house so she would not have to go to the store.  We were all very worried about her but didn’t know how to help her get out of the hole she had crawled into.  It took her several years, but she finally began to call some of us and gradually worked her way back into society.  She is a bundle of laughs and a joy to be around now.

I remember when she was going into her hole, she slowly began to beg off going to certain functions and events we had planned.  I feel that I am doing this same thing.  It is not so much that I have missed things because of sickness, it is that I have missed things and don’t particularly care.  I have a very hard time explaining how I feel because I don’t really know how I feel.  A part of me would love to go out with our friends and enjoy being together.  Another part of me does not want to be around anyone and just wants to stay at home in my own little cozy, safe world.

Most of us have talked about depression in our blogs and on websites.  It is a major struggle with some and an occasional battle with most of us.  No matter what we have heard about “those people” over the years, being depressed is a horrible place to be and often very hard to deal with and find the right medications to help get over it.

I really don’t think I feel depressed.  As I mentioned before, we have lost two dear friends in two weeks.  We have both been sick for a couple of weeks.  Life has not been fun and games lately but it can always be worse.  We are thankful for each day we have and very thankful that we have we are on the road to recovery from our sickness.  

I am not sure what the problem is.  Sometimes I feel like some have said they do when going out in public.  I hate knowing that people watch out of the corner of their eyes or just stop and stare.  I don’t like the fact that my husband has to be so watchful of me when we are out to make sure I don’t fall, don’t choke or don’t get lost.  I don’t like the fact that I usually have to use the ramp rather than walk up the steps so am putting a burden on those who are with us.  I don’t like knowing that if we are out and someone asks me a question, there is a 50/50 chance that I won’t be able to get the words out of my mouth to answer them.  I am sure you could add some to this list but I will stop here.  You get the point.

I did not write the above to whine and complain.  I am trying to figure out in my mind why I no longer want to be the person I used to be.  I know that I have quite a few more limitations than I did a few short years ago.  That should not be a reason not to want to do these things.

We are supposed to go with friends to the mountains for a day trip on two different days next week.  I am looking forward to this .......but I’m not.  Does that possibly make any sense to anyone???

I do not want to be in the hermit category ....... I much prefer Kermit as a frog!!!!!!!!!!


Muffie said...

I so know what you're saying, and I've often written about it. I used to love being out, socializing, having a blast. Now, not so much. It isn't that I don't want to have a good time, it's just the worries that accompany it. I have to pre-plan everything, and even then, I still worry. I don't consider it true depression, but as you said, it's the feeling of wanting to stay where we're safe. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you'll shed the worry and be able to get out more. It's not easy!

Janie said...

Thank you and you will be in mine. I guess it is a common feeling among those of us who have physical disabilities. We just need to keep each other held up in prayer and hope that we all can find things to make us feel useful.