Seeing Red

Emotions are a funny thing. We either have them totally under control or they are way off the deep end. I am plagued with the latter lately. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, they will not be tamed.

 

My PBA is really acting up lately. I am having a real problem not crying at everything. As I have said before, I am not sad but I just cannot seem to keep from crying. This is not the problem I am talking about, though.

 

Like many of us, I have a relative that is very harsh and cruel. Unlike many, my husband and I have this relative in our household and are subject to criticisms and mean comments every day. Most of the time I just ignore them. Today, however, it really got to me. I am still angry from such an incident of several hours ago.

 

I will get over the anger. I always do. I try to remind myself that this person has been this way all my life and is not likely to change at this point in time. What bothers me is the fact that I cannot seem to control my reactions now. Also, when I get upset and stressed out, my buzzing goes berserk and I am extremely uncomfortable. Nothing I take seems to help this and I just have to hope that as I calm down the buzzing will also and give me some relief.

 

I wish there was something I could take to calm me down and stop this, but I feel like I take a medicine cabinet full of things now. I also do not want to be zonked out to get some relief. I know some who like to be "high" and not feeling any pain or discomfort, but that is not my wish. I have tried meditation and such, but it does not seem to help.

 

I have a friend who was talking about how we all have in the back of our minds, whether we realize it or not, the fear that we will end up a type of vegetable or someone who is in constant pain. I suppose that is true. It is hard for it not to cross our minds when we know or read about so many who have ended up that way. No matter how strong one's faith is death is an unknown and there are so many horrible ways to accomplish it.

 

I am writing this hoping it will calm me down. To a degree, it is working. I have not been a perfect person in my lifetime by any stretch of the imagination. But I don't remember ever being deliberately cruel or mean to anyone. If I have been, I certainly apologize.

 

Holding a grudge is not my style either. Like every other human being who has ever lived, I have had people be mean to me and hurt me. But after a while, I always got over it and let it go. I am hoping that this overly emotional period will soon pass and I can get back to as normal as I can, given the circumstances.

 

When I got so angry, one of the first things that came to mind was a bull snorting and seeing red. I remember a lot of cartoons with bulls in the ring and having steam come out its horns. It always had red eyes........seeing red, so to speak. I guess that is OK, but red is not my favorite color..........I tend to favor lavender myself...........