I hate having to be so involved in myself. Having MS makes me so aware of everything I do. What I mean by that is: having to be so careful trying to walk, talk, eat or any other everyday activity that most people take for granted.
Buffy, my little spoiled brat Pomeranian, is a little sick today. Her stomach is upset and she is throwing up some. All she wants to do is sit in my lap and feel safe. She does not understand what is happening to her and just wants to be with me and let me comfort her. I was sitting here loving on her and realized that it was so nice to be thinking of something that didn’t involve MY problems. Not that I would want her to ever be sick under any conditions.
It is funny how much of each day I spend trying to be “normal”. Nothing comes easy and each thing is a challenge to do. I feel so selfish sometimes. Most of my thoughts seem to be about how I can do something without causing more problems for myself and my husband. Although he never complains, I feel like I take all of his time in worrying about me and trying to see that I have all that I might need. He is such a fantastic person and never complains. I am the one who complains about him having to take care of me.
I have talked to people and read things people have written about having to be a caregiver for someone. I know how hard it is because we have my mother here with us and she takes a lot of care. She is not disabled, but her mind is going and she often is not in the same world as the rest of us. I worry that, although he loves me much more than I deserve, my husband will tire of having his life so altered by my illness. I know from reading other’s comments that it is a common worry among those of us who have MS or other illnesses.
Many times I look at couples when we are out shopping and such and really envy them. My husband and I hold hands or link arms but a lot of the reason is that I need the support to walk. We always held hands, but if one of us wanted to walk over some place and look at something the other didn’t, we could walk away with no problem. That is not a choice now. My husband always makes sure I am in a safe environment and never leaves me unattended. I often think of myself as a small child that cannot be left alone and is always the first priority for someone.
I guess I am whining for him because he won’t. Taking on the responsibility of caring for someone often causes bitterness for that person and becomes a terrible chore. My great blessing is that he does not feel this. My constant prayer is that he will never feel that way.
As I said, Buffy is a spoiled brat-child, but we love her anyway. I try not to be “a brat” with my husband and not demand or expect more attention than he has to give me to get through the day......... well, at least I try not to!!