Not Rising To The Occasion

One of my aunts is blind.  She stayed at home until a couple of years ago when she fell down the basement steps trying to carry wood down to the stove.  She was told many times not to do it as she might fall.  When she fell, she crushed her wrist and arm and it is no longer useful to her.  They put 38 screws in it because it was crushed in so many pieces.  She is now in a rest home because she needs a lot of care.

I guess that she is one of the reasons I try to be very careful and not do things when I know that I should not.  I do not want to be in the shape she is in out of stubbornness.  When my legs are like wet noodles, I do not need to be walking around a lot and especially trying to go up or down the stairs.

My husband took my mother to see my aunt this morning.  It is about a thirty minute drive from our house.  I really wanted to go, as she is so very sweet and special to me.  She is very precious and I have a lot of wonderful memories of spending time with her when I was a young girl. 

But my legs were a little bit like jello today.  It is a fairly long walk down two hallways to get to her room.  My husband suggested that I stay home and just chill out while he took mother for the visit.

I enjoy time by myself.  Being an only child, I learned a long time ago how to entertainment myself and be content alone.  Today was not one of those times.

I kept thinking about my aunt and all the problems she has.  I always look forward to seeing her as there is the possibility that it could be the last time I see her alive.  Not that I could not die before she does, but the way things are, it is not likely.  Not seeing her today made me very sad.

Or maybe I was just sad anyway.  Although I hate to admit it, I have days when I just can’t get my act together.  The doctor has put me on some medication for this, but I don’t think it is really helping.  I have always thought of myself as optimistic, but some days I just can’t seem to rise to the occasion, as people used to say. 

There is a website that tells the meaning of old sayings and such, and to rise to the occasion means to succeed in dealing with a difficult situation.  I was not succeeding today.  I will be better.  I always am.  But these down in the dump days are really hard to deal with and even harder to try and explain to someone.  My husband always wants to know how I am and sometimes there is just no way to tell him. 

And there are those days I just don’t know myself………